


Jealousy

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:29:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus gets jealous. Takes place after "Kitchen Raids"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Remus Lupin closed the door to the spare bedroom behind him quietly and sat in the armchair next to the window. He stared out at the bleak winter garden. Sirius had just received an owl. Another owl, Remus corrected himself. The third one this week. That Remus knew of. Remus didn't know who was sending them, or what was in the messages they contained. All he knew was that Sirius would take the letter, close himself in the study, and come out an hour or so later with a reply. Smiling. Excited. Happy. He hadn't told Remus anything about the letters, and Remus hadn't asked. But this was the third one in five days, and Sirius's eyes had lit up when he'd seen the by now familiar owl at the kitchen window as they ate lunch.

Now he waited, and thought. He didn't want to listen for the study door click open, but he did. He heard Sirius emerge from the study, only twenty minutes after he'd entered it. Footsteps moved across the landing, and then there was a light tap at the door to the spare bedroom.

"Moony?"

"Yes," he said. His voice sounded dusty.

"Can I come in?"

He cleared his throat. "Yes." That was better.

Sirius walked in. "What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing." That should have been obvious.

"Okay," Sirius said agreeably. "I was thinking. Why don't we go to Diagon Alley tomorrow? We haven't been there in a while."

Remus looked at him for the first time since he'd come in. "You want to go to Diagon Alley?"

"Yes, it'll be fun. You-- we can do our Christmas shopping."

They never went Christmas shopping. Of course, with the war on and Sirius in hiding, they hadn't had a chance to shop before this. "Christmas shopping," Remus repeated.

"Yes, why not? Oh, come on, Moony, it'll be fun."

"I--" Don't want to be stared at. Diagon Alley meant crowds. People. Perhaps, for Sirius, one specific person. A letter-writer. But now Sirius was looking at him with the hint of a plea in his eyes. "All right."

So the following afternoon Remus found himself in Flourish and Blotts. It wasn't so bad after all. Except that Sirius had left him after an hour of wandering in and out of shops, saying simply that they should split up now. Remus stared absently at the book he was holding. That had been three hours ago. He thought of the things that could happen in three hours. The things Sirius could do. His stomach clenched. Carefully, he closed the book and looked at the clock. He was supposed to meet Sirius at the Leaky Cauldron in a few minutes.

Remus picked up his stack of books and went to the counter. He should visit Flourish and Blotts more frequently, he decided; their stock had improved in the past few years.

He paid and waited as the assistant put his purchases in a bag. Pulling the hood of his cloak up, he headed out into the street; it had started to snow lightly while he was inside. He glanced at Quality Quidditch Supplies as he passed and saw that it had already closed. Perhaps Sirius was waiting for him. He walked a little faster.

The Leaky Cauldron was crowded. Remus stood in the doorway for a moment, looking around. He didn't see Sirius. Pushing his hood back, he made his way to the bar. He tried to ignore the way that some people edged away from him as he passed. Others either didn't recognize him or, less likely, didn't care. He ordered a hot Butterbeer and took it to the back of the room, where three middle- aged witches were just leaving their table. One of them, vaguely familiar, smiled at him as she walked by. Linda Bones, he remembered after she'd left. He'd taught her daughter during his year at Hogwarts.

He sat down and tried not to wonder where Sirius was.

He drank his Butterbeer and looked up as the door opened. Sirius came in, shaking the snowflakes off his cloak. He wasn't alone. Remus pulled back into his corner and watched as Sirius helped the woman beside him remove her cloak. Her glossy brown hair fell about her shoulders as she lifted it free from the neck of her robe. She smiled up at Sirius and touched his arm, leaving her hand there. Sirius leaned closer to her and said something; she nodded and followed him to the bar.

Remus stared at his drink and was suddenly sickened by the sweet aftertaste in his mouth. He looked up and saw Sirius and the woman standing at the bar. Sirius picked up his drink and looked around. Too late, Remus averted his gaze.

A few seconds later he felt Sirius's presence at his side. "Remus! Have you been waiting long?"

"No." He shoved his mug away.

"Do you remember Laura? From Hogwarts?"

Remus stood up politely. After a second he recognized her. "Oh, yes. Laura-- Holcombe?" He dredged up her last name. She was thinner than he remembered. Faint lines were etched around the corners of her warm brown eyes.

"Yes," she said with a smile. "What a memory, Remus."

He made himself pull out a chair for her. "Please, have a seat."

"No, I can't stay. But thank you." She turned to Sirius. "Think about what I said, Sirius." She put her hand on his arm again, then leaned closer and kissed his cheek. "Will you?"

Sirius returned the kiss. "Yes, I will. It was good seeing you again."

"And you. I'll be in touch." She walked away through the crowd.

The two of them stood there for a moment before Sirius sat down. Remus followed suit.

"God, Remus, are you drinking Butterbeer? How revolting. Let me get you a real drink." Sirius hailed the barmaid, who bustled over with a smile. "Two Firewhiskies, please." He turned back to Remus. "How was your afternoon?"

"Fine." Until now, he wanted to say. Laura Holcombe, he thought. Sirius's girlfriend at Hogwarts. Prettier now than she had been; she'd grown into her looks. Laura Holcombe, standing next to Sirius. Touching his arm. Kissing him. He told himself not to, but he inhaled anyway. He picked up the scent of Sirius's happiness, overlaid with an unfamiliar wrongness. Remus sniffed again and caught a tang of something-- someone-- else. Laura. He tried with only partial success to force away the rage that surged up at this realization.

"What's wrong?" Under the table, Sirius's hand touched Remus's thigh lightly.

Remus twitched his leg away. "Nothing. It was fine. I went to Flourish and Blotts. How was your ... shopping?" Sirius wasn't carrying anything.

"Moony--" Sirius broke off as the barmaid delivered their drinks.

"Did you have a good time today?" Remus held out some coins to the barmaid, who stared at his hand. He put them down on the table and she scooped them up.

Sirius didn't seem to have noticed that little scene. "Yes." He smiled into his glass. "It was nice to see Laura. We had a good chat. She looks well, don't you think?"

His stomach clenched. "Yes," he admitted. He looked at Sirius out of the corner of his eye, trying to see him dispassionately. A handsome man. He and Laura had made, did make, an attractive pair. "I'm ready to leave," he said abruptly.

"What? We just got here."

"You just got here," Remus said. "You can stay." He tried to stand up, but Sirius pulled him down again.

"Oh, come on, Moony. Let me just finish my drink, then we'll go home. All right?" Sirius looked at him more closely. "Won't you tell me what's wrong?"

"I did tell you. Nothing's wrong."

"That worked when we were seventeen, Remus. Not now. What happened? The barmaid just now?"

So he had noticed.

Remus shrugged. "No. I'm used to that." But he wasn't used to seeing someone else with Sirius. With **his** Sirius. They had lived in relative isolation during the war years. Remus hadn't minded, and he'd thought that Sirius hadn't either. But now--

"So? What is it?" Sirius's voice was rising.

"Nothing!" He realized that a couple of people had noticed their argument. "For God's sake, not here."

"All right." Sirius threw down the rest of his drink. "Let's go home." He stood and waited for Remus to collect his parcel. "Floo or Apparate?"

"It's safer to Apparate," Remus decided. It was too easy for someone to follow them into the Floo.

Sirius had heard that line of reasoning before. "The war's over, remember. It wouldn't actually kill us to Floo."

Remus shrugged again, and Apparated. Sirius appeared next to him in their kitchen a moment later. He threw his cloak over one of the chairs and demanded, "Tell me."

"Sirius, there's nothing to tell!" Remus set his books on the table and removed his cloak.

Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. "Don't give me that. You were fine when we left this morning." He brought his hand up to caress Remus's cheek; Remus moved his head away. "Moony, please. If it wasn't the barmaid, what was it? Were you upset that I was late? I was talking with Laura and we--"

Remus's face must have changed, because Sirius stopped short. "That's it, isn't it?" He dropped Remus's arm. "Strange," he muttered. "I always thought poetic justice would feel more satisfying."

Remus closed his eyes. "You--" Perhaps a little part of him had been waiting for the penny to drop for the past five years. Now it seemed that it had. "Did you--" He couldn't get the words out.

Sirius leaned back against the kitchen counter. "Laura's an editor at WhizzHard Books," he said, ignoring Remus's last attempt to speak.

Whatever Remus had been expecting, that wasn't it. Sirius went on. "She owled me earlier this week to suggest we meet at her office. I didn't say anything to you because I didn't know what would come of it."

Remus realized that his shoulders and neck were almost unbearably tense. He forced himself to relax.

"So I met with her today, and she said that WhizzHard would be interested in publishing my autobiography."

Remus's head jerked up. "Your-- your autobiography?" He realized that he had failed to keep the incredulity out of his voice when Sirius smiled.

"Yes, apparently I've led an interesting life. She was especially interested in my 'harrowing years in Azkaban' and my 'triumphant return'." Remus could hear the quote marks. "I spent the afternoon having her give me the hard sell. She's quite good at her job, I think."

"Oh." It was a reasonable explanation. But-- "So you'll be seeing quite a lot of her, I expect. Working on the book." His neck was tense again.

"If I do it, yes." Sirius ran his hand through his hair. "What do you think?"

Remus shrugged. "It doesn't matter what I think, does it? You'll do what you like. With Laura," he added, surprised by the acid tone of his own voice.

"Moony--"

"Sorry," he muttered, already ashamed. "I meant that-- I meant--" He stuttered to a halt. He didn't want to say what he'd meant, to give further voice to the suspicions making a possessive rage boil up inside him. "I--" Suddenly he couldn't bear to be in the same room as Sirius, who was still watching him, face carefully wiped clean of expression. He needed to be outside. He walked out the back door and stood on the steps for a moment. The night sky was hung low with clouds. He could sense Sirius behind him, but he didn't turn around to look back into the kitchen. He went through the garden and into the shed.

The shed smelled of despair and loneliness. It was where he had transformed during his childhood and for much of the time Sirius was in Azkaban and, later, on the run. He usually only went inside it at the full moon.

He listened to his own harsh breathing. "I'm jealous," he said aloud. Now he'd named it, and it should go away. But Remus couldn't stand the images that kept appearing in his head. Sirius with Laura, smiling at her, kissing her, holding her... Memories from their sixth year at Hogwarts ran through his mind. Remus had seen them kissing in a corner of the library once. Had spotted them, clothing disheveled, emerging from the broomshed. Had surprised a secretive glance between them in Herbology. Memory and imagination mixed together and presented him insistently with visions of Sirius and Laura whispering to one another, embracing, entwined in a naked tangle... "I'm just jealous," he whispered to the claw marks on the wall. The words left a sour taste in his mouth.


	2. Part Two

After a moment he heard a light knock at the door. "Remus?"

He didn't want to answer, but he'd promised once never to shut Sirius out. He opened the door.

"Oh, Remus." Sirius stretched out his hand.

Remus knew he should have expected Sirius's forgiveness, his tenderness, but he was taken aback nonetheless. A few seconds passed before he took the hand Sirius was still holding out, just long enough for doubt to cloud the blue eyes. He had to dispel that, but he couldn't make the words come. "I-- I just--"

But it seemed that was enough for Sirius. "I know. Trust me, I know." Sirius paused. "It's awful, isn't it?"

Remus nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. The anger that had taken hold of him in the kitchen was turning to ash and poison in his gut as he thought about Sirius, living with these feelings for more than fourteen years.

"Hey," Sirius said softly. "Come here." He pulled on Remus's hand, drawing him closer, and put his arms around him. Remus leaned his head on Sirius's shoulder and sighed.

"It's strange to know how you feel."

For a split second Remus almost thought that he, not Sirius, had said that. Then he realized what his lover meant. He stiffened and tried to pull back, but Sirius held onto him, stroking his back. "No, it's- - I was waiting in the kitchen, and I got so angry. I was ready to storm out here and demand to know why you didn't trust me. And then I understood." Sirius's voice cracked. "Remus..."

"I'm sorry," he whispered into Sirius's neck. He tightened his hold, clenching his fingers in Sirius's robe.

"I know," Sirius said again. They stood in the embrace for a minute, until Sirius shifted a little. "Moony?"

"Mm?"

"It's bloody cold out here. Can we go back in the house?"

"Mm. All right." Remus released him reluctantly; Sirius wound his fingers through Remus's again and led him out of the shed, back to the house and into the warm kitchen. They were still holding hands.

"I'm sorry," Remus repeated.

"It's okay." Sirius squeezed his fingers.

"No, I mean I-- I'm sorry I never really thought about you. How you-- how it felt for you. To be jealous." He looked away.

"Ah." A little pause. "Then we're even. Because I didn't really think about how it would feel to know that your lover thinks you'll go off with the first person to cross your path." There was a slight bite in Sirius's voice.

Remus winced. "I didn't-- I just-- those owls. And you were excited about something. Then I saw you two together, and she-- she had her hands on you. And you looked happy. So I--" He fumbled to a halt.

"You didn't ask me about the letters." Sirius tilted Remus's chin up, forcing him to meet the blue stare.

"No. I-- didn't know if I wanted to know." He swallowed. "I suppose I wasn't expecting--" It sounded so childish now. But Sirius was still looking at him intently. "I wasn't expecting someone else to make you happy like that."

Sirius stroked his thumb over the cleft in Remus's chin. "Mm. Life's been rather unusual since ... since I got out, hasn't it?"

That was putting it mildly. Long stretches of separation while one or the other was on a mission or trip, and barely interacting with other people except for business and Harry's infrequent visits. Only now, with the war over, could they do things such as go to Diagon Alley together. Or see other people. He nodded.

Sirius went on. "But do you really think I'd do something like that to you?"

Remus wanted to look away again, but Sirius was still holding onto his face. "I-- it's-- it's not the sex," he realized aloud. "Or," he amended, "it's not just the sex. It's the ... everything else. It's like being in school again. Or when we took the flat in London." When Sirius had been surrounded by friends, had parceled out his attention to a multitude of people and activities. "When I had to share you with all that-- with all those people."

"Oh, Moony." Sirius had that tone in his voice that meant that Remus had both exasperated and touched him. "You know I'm yours. Everyone else just gets the-- the surface. You get everything." He said again, "I'm yours. Completely."

Heat flared throughout Remus's body at the sound of Sirius's hoarse voice, giving himself over. He put his free hand at the back of Sirius's neck and drew him closer, then kissed him hard. "Yes," he said when the kiss ended. "Yes." His voice sounded feral. For the first time he understood consciously the extent of his own possessiveness. He pushed away the alarm he felt at that realization as Sirius put his arms around him. He bit at Sirius's lower lip, and heard Sirius moan in response. He bit harder and pressed up against Sirius. He was already achingly hard.

"Sirius," he said breathlessly. "I have to--" He slid his hand between their bodies and cupped it over Sirius's groin, feeling the arousal that had started there.

"Yes," Sirius whispered into his mouth. He pushed against Remus's hand.

"I mean I-- now." He squeezed and felt Sirius's instant response. Sirius let his head fall back, exposing his long throat. Remus bit it.

"Okay," gasped Sirius. He turned around and bent over the table. "Do it."

Remus growled and hauled up Sirius's robe. His fingers fumbled with the buttons to Sirius's trousers for an aggravating moment before he managed to get them undone; he pushed them down together with the boxers, exposing Sirius to his gaze. He growled again and saw Sirius shiver. Unable to resist, he trailed a finger between the firm buttocks, tracing over the little opening.

"Remus--"

He threw off his own robe impatiently and then stopped, looking around. "We need--"

"Cooking oil," said Sirius.

Right. Remus fetched the olive oil from a cabinet, opened the bottle, and poured a trickle down Sirius's cleft. Sirius shivered again. "Siri, I need--" He desperately wanted to be inside.

"It's all right, just-- careful." Sirius turned his head and looked at him with hot eyes.

"Yes," he promised. He ripped open his clothing hurriedly and oiled his cock, then pressed the head against Sirius. As slowly as he could manage, he pushed in. He felt Sirius pressing back, trying to open up for him. And then he was fully inside. He bent over Sirius and grabbed his wrists, pinning them to the table. He withdrew and thrust back in slowly. Underneath him Sirius was fighting his own tension; Remus could sense his effort to make his muscles relax. "Sirius," he murmured. "Sirius."

"It's fine. Fine." Sirius rested his cheek against the table.

Remus pulled out and re-entered. He let go of one of Sirius's wrists and grabbed a handful of hair, hauling Sirius's head up so he could bite the nape of Sirius's neck. He was growling, he noticed, and his fingers were digging into Sirius's wrist, but he couldn't stop. Over and over he thrust in, overcome by the feeling of Sirius surrounding him, under him, by the smell of Sirius's skin, the pulsebeat in Sirius's wrist against his fingers. The black hair was soft against his cheek. His desire and need drove him into Sirius's body repeatedly, welling up inside him until the tension drew him upright again. He took hold of Sirius's hips and shoved in even deeper as his orgasm hit him and he came, feeling the last remnants of his anger and pain drain out of him.

He slumped over Sirius's back, panting. After a minute he realized that Sirius was still taut underneath him, not bonelessly relaxed as he usually was after sex-- "Oh. Oh, sorry." He pulled out and dropped to his knees. "Come here."

Sirius straightened up and turned around, holding his robe up. Remus leaned forward and put his mouth over Sirius, sucking forcefully. Sirius moaned and put a hand on Remus's head, tangling his fingers in his hair. "Oh yeah. Just like that." Sirius leaned back against the table.

Remus brought a hand up and caressed the soft warm skin behind Sirius's balls as he tongued the head of his cock. Sirius was breathing harshly. Remus sped up, dragging his tongue the length of Sirius's prick with every stroke, feeling the hot balls contract under his touch. Sirius's hand fisted in his hair, and Remus took him in deeply. Sirius groaned and came, pumping into Remus's mouth.

Remus swallowed and let his head rest against Sirius's thigh. The hand in his hair unclenched and started petting him. He moved his head and kissed the long fingers; then he saw the bloody marks on Sirius's wrist, already turning purple. "Shit!" He stood up and turned Sirius around, pushing the black hair to one side and exposing Sirius's neck. "Oh, shit." The imprint of his teeth was obvious in Sirius's pale skin. Finally, steeling himself, he lifted Sirius's robe again. There were fainter finger marks on his hips, but, thankfully, no blood anywhere. "Dammit, Siri, why didn't you say something?"

Sirius turned and looked at him. "You needed it like that."

Remus realized he was gaping. "Christ. So you just-- you'd have let me do anything to you?"

Sirius nodded.

"Christ." Remus pulled up his trousers and sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs. The alarm over his possessive streak that he'd felt earlier surged up again. This, he understood suddenly, was why he'd never let himself acknowledge that side of himself, the twin to Sirius's jealousy. "Sirius--"

"No, Moony, it's-- you'd never really hurt me." Sirius touched his shoulder.

It was almost frightening to be trusted so completely, especially when he didn't know if he trusted himself. He put his hand over Sirius's. With his free hand he drew his wand and cast a healing charm on Sirius's wrist.

"Don't do my neck," Sirius said.

"But it's going to be really sore."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah." Remus must have looked puzzled, because Sirius laughed suddenly. "That's the point, isn't it? So that I'll think of you. Taking me like that. Wanting me." His voice dropped. "And I like to be reminded."

"Christ," Remus said yet again, but for a very different reason. He lifted Sirius's hand from his shoulder and kissed it. "You're the only one who drives me mad like that, you know. "

Sirius smiled again. "I'd better be." He bent over and hauled up his trousers, then pulled up a chair and sat, facing Remus.

"You are," Remus said firmly.

"And you're the only one who-- you're the only one, Moony." Sirius put his hand on Remus's knee. "The only one. You know that."

Throat tight, Remus nodded. He leaned forward and kissed Sirius. "Yes," he murmured. "I do know." Some part of him had always known. Had known that Sirius would give himself willingly, even eagerly, over to Remus's claim, even before Remus made it. He let that knowledge wash away his lingering concern over what that claiming meant, both for him and for Sirius. He kissed Sirius again, and then pulled back. There was still something left to be said. "So. About Laura."

"Who?" The blue eyes glinted, teasing him.

Remus played along. "You know, Laura. Tall, nice body, beautiful brown eyes--"

"Moony, were you checking her out?"

Remus laughed. "Sizing up the competition, more like."

Sirius just flapped his hand dismissively.

Remus felt smug for a second. Then he went on. "Are you going to take up her offer? Write your autobiography?"

"Oh, that." Sirius glanced away. "I don't know."

"Why not? I'm sure it would sell." It would, too. Harry had told Remus that he always had to answer questions about Sirius when he was interviewed, 'right after the story of the final battle and before they start trying to ask questions about my personal life'.

Sirius shrugged. "Oh, well. I just don't think I want to do it."

"I don't mind. In fact, I think it's a good idea. People will forget what went on if we don't remind them."

"Yes, I know. But I don't think my autobiography is the way to do it. Because if I did it, you know, I'd want to really write it. Everything. And then I-- I'd have to write about you. About us. And that's not anyone else's business." Sirius stopped, as if he were listening to what he'd just said. "Huh. I must be becoming more like you. Don't they say that happens to couples after a while?"

"Good," said Remus lightly, "perhaps you'll learn to cook." But he had heard what Sirius meant, and was deeply moved. The warm look Sirius gave him showed that he understood.

"What I'd really like to do," Sirius mused, "is work on prison reform. But I don't think the Ministry will come knocking on our door any time soon."

"Prison reform?" He was surprised. He'd thought Sirius would never want to think about Azkaban again.

"Yes. It's-- that's not a place anyone deserves to be." Sirius's eyes went distant for a second. "Not even Pettigrew. Lock them up, yes. But not like that."

Remus thought. "The Ministry might surprise you, you know. I think they're trying to make up for the trial." Harry's trial, as he thought of it despite the fact that Draco Malfoy, Peter Pettigrew, and Ludo Bagman had been the actual defendants, had been a near-total disaster. "If we let Arthur know you're interested, they might come around after all."

Sirius looked at him with interest. "Good point. Um... If I did end up doing something like that, I'd-- would you be all right with it? I'd be away a lot. I mean, out." With other people, went unspoken.

Remus drew in a deep breath and considered his answer. "Yes," he said finally. "Because you--" Let me do anything. No. Want me to do everything. No, not even that. "Because you love me."

Sirius's eyes lit up. "Yes." He leaned forward and kissed Remus. "And you love me," Sirius said against his lips.

"Oh, yes." Remus brought his hand up and stroked Sirius's cheek, delighting in the feel of Sirius's warm skin under his fingers. Sometimes he felt that he never wanted to stop touching Sirius, as if to make up for the long years of separation. He breathed in the familiar scent of Sirius's happiness and love, and relaxed. Sirius smelled the way he should, Remus thought, catching his own scent on Sirius's body.

Sirius pressed into the caress, making a little incoherent murmur of enjoyment. Remus half-wanted to freeze the moment, stay in it forever.

"Stop analyzing, Moony." Sirius's voice was low, even hoarser than usual. "Just enjoy it."

"Okay," he said.

The end.


End file.
